Roman Catholic Religion

This is one of those Christian jokes you may not have heard before and I heard it last Sunday during sermon from a visiting priest, Fr. Joseph Stephens, C.Ss.R.

There was a town where 4 Christian churches of different denominations had a sudden squirrel infestation. Naturally each denomination had it's own method of dealing with it. The Catholics were the most successful in clearing the church of the squirrels.

The Methodists trapped all the squirrels and took them to the woods about 50 miles away and left them there. The next day, all the squirrels returned to the church. The Methodists took this as God's will and left the squirrels alone. And the squirrels multiplied.

The Presbyterians prayed to the Lord for a solution and the Lord said to leave the squirrels alone as they are His creatures too and have every right to live in the church. And so the squirrels multiplied.

The Baptists decided to trap the squirrels and put them into the baptismal font, cover the font and leave them there over night. The next day the squirrel population exploded. The Baptists accepted this as God's verdict.

Finally, the Catholics - they decided to baptize the squirrels and promptly all the squirrels disappeared from church and only returned during Easter and Christmas.

Here's another one of those Christian jokes that'll cheer your day. I received it in my email today.

Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert .
One is David, the other is Michael .
They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirate of a mosque in the middle .

David said to Michael : "Look, let's pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or drink.
I am going to call myself Mohammed."

Michael refused to change his name , he said :" My name is Michael , and I will not pretend to be other than  but what I am . ...Michael."

The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names .

David said : "My name is Mohammed ."

Michael said : "My name is Michael. "

The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque  and said :
" Please bring some food and water for Michael only ."

Then he turned to the other and said :
" Well Mohammed I hope you are aware that we are still in the holy month of Ramadan."

Moral of the story : Always tell the truth and remain faithful to your religion.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed.

What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.

Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Read this jesus humor and you will be rolling on the floor in 1 minute...

An old nun

who was living in a convent next to a construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers

and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch,

sit with the workers

and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag

and

walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:

"and do you men know jesus christ?"

they shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down

'why'?

The worker yelled back,

"Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....

He looked over his shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer ....

and then ..... He tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him .....
reaching towards him with its left paw ...
and raising the right paw to strike ...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped ...
The bear froze .....
The forest was silent ....

A bright light shone upon the man,
and a voice came out of the sky ...

"You deny my existence for all these years,
you teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident ....
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

"Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light ....
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ...
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

... a pause ...
"Very well," said the voice ...

The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed ...

And the bear dropped his right arm ....
brought both paws together ....
bowed his head & spoke ...

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive..."

I received an email on church humor this morning. It contained some funny church signs with religious humor connotations.

Hope you enjoy these church jokes...

Church humor 1

Church humor 2

Church humor 3

Church humor 4

Church humor 5

Church humor 6

Church humor 7

Church humor 8

Churc humor 9

Church humor 10

Church humor 11

Church humor 12

Church humor 13

After getting all of pope benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

I got this funny Mother's Day quotes in the mail.

"Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school
age children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me.
He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything
nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly
use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be
pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he
get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and
YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such
a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between Moms and Dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home. Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power
'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some
kind of plastic surgery
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd
get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister
who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those inv isible eyes on her back.

THE MOMMY TEST
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took
the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's
been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," ..I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's
on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a
Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was
evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed,
"So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

Happy Mother's Day.

I hope you find this Catholic humor video based on the creation story funny as I did.

Of course the video was simply a joke but if you want to get to the truth of the creation story, then I recommend this book by pope benedict xvi - In the Beginning...: A Catholic Understanding of the Story of Creation and the Fall (Resourcement)

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat..

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born  in  Bethlehem  in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.